As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
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Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.