DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
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“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”