TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
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“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Batman v Dracula
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
“What?”
– Jude
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.