I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
You Might Also Like
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.