Him: 馃幎 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 馃幎
Her: Please don鈥檛 sing to it when you are down there
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I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Unicyclists should just walk if they鈥檙e so desperate to cut down on wheels
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Sometimes I don鈥檛 even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she鈥檚 busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyonc茅 was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I鈥檓 sorry, Joshua, there鈥檚 been a misunderstanding
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree