You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
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If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
channeling her this year
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds