I hope it’s French Onion!
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[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.