Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
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My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
time for some seasonal decor
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site