A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
You Might Also Like
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.