I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
You Might Also Like
They’re not wrong
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping