Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
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Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Can’t, holding a grudge
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?