[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
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“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Got ya covered
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
This made me chuckle cuz mood
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
TWEET CALL
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Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*