Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
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It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week