Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
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Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.