Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
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Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag