Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
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Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Basketball games are very squeaky.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.