I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
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There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure