*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
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A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son: