the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
You Might Also Like
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*