Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
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My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
also my go-to takeaway order
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
We have a winner.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.