Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
You Might Also Like
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Wednesday
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Terribly Tuesday.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT