#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
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Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Follow me for more fitness tips.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I can fix him.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.