bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
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The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.