I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
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I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
This is so me 😂😂
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition