My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
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The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
😅🤣😂
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.