Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
You Might Also Like
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
this came to me in a vision
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”