I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
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Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.