son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
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Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Saturday
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again