What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
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Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Imma just leave this here…………
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.