Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
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All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left