*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.