3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
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Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
The government even made aliens boring
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.