“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
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Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I never needed anything more in my life
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I have so many questions.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Never forget.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!