Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
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Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Nice try, poison.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.