The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
You Might Also Like
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*