Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
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I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend