Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
You Might Also Like
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Festive toon…
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”