[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
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[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.