If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
me after drinking all the wine:
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?