I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
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her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Discuss
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
🤣😂
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?