[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
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6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
c’mon!