11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
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stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
💻🤡
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”