My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK