“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
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“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments