People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
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Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.