Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
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Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
This kid will have a bright future.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word