ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
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When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Inside you there are two wolves
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.