Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
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I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
[eulogy]
line?
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look