[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
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[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
english majors be like furthermore
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis