Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
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Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means